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[bandi]

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."


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A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"


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[n1gbpackfan]

Question:
When you apply for Welfare in Mexico ,
what does that Government give you?




Answer:

A map of theUnited States

[TJ]

Originally Posted by n1gbpackfan

Question:
When you apply for Welfare in Mexico ,
what does that Government give you?




Answer:

A map of theUnited States

That's not true and not funny

I usually give neg rep for racist jokes. Too bad I actually like you.

Oh...I don't have a joke, sorry.

[hermhater]

@ bandi...

And come on TJ you can laugh at yourself, I laugh at stupid Americans all the time...

[bandi]

This is why women should never take men shopping against their will. After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart . Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:


Dear Mrs. LOVETT,


Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate his behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.


Our complaints against Mr. Lovett are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras..

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'


August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.


October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ' Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.


October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'



October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least ...


October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

[n1gbpackfan]

Originally Posted by TJ

That's not true and not funny

I usually give neg rep for racist jokes. Too bad I actually like you.

Oh...I don't have a joke, sorry.

Sorry TJ, didn't mean to offend anyone. Now drink your tequilla and enjoy!

[bandi]

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN


D A M N I T O L 
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T 
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N 
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O 
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L 
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N 
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person" & "Can we get naked now?"

BUYAGRA 
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N 
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T  
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


N A G A M E N T 
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him

[n1gbpackfan]

^^^^^ - I can use all of them! rep

[bandi]

A man flying a kite got mad cause it kept crashing...his wife yelled 'you need more tail!'...He yelled back, 'fuck you! I said that yesterday and you told me to go fly a kite!'

[TJ]

All righty then...a little payback...